consciousness and self-consciousness

November 30, 2006 at 12:52 pm | In Parties, journal, meditation | No Comments

it’s become more and more common in the last year for complete strangers to come up to me at parties (and even on the street sometimes) and say they’ve seen me on the dancefloor or they’ve seen me firetwirl and that they’ve liked what they’ve seen. when i say more and more common, i mean that it’s probably only a couple of times each festival and maybe once or twice every six months or so on the street.

but coming from a low base of never being noticed, it’s quite a lot for me and i do like it, i get a lift from it and i try to genuinely thank these people for approaching me and being so nice. I also try to do the same for others, for people i’ve noticed at different parties. I figure it’s something to share around.

so that’s all good for my confidence and self-esteem.

except, it isnt all good as sometimes on the dancefloor or when i’m twirling these days, I’ve noticed myself becoming more self-conscious through both from feeling that I do get looked at and also from the feeling (if a rather nicer one) that some people like looking at me.

The real reason why i dance or twirl, the reason that pulled me into all of this in the first place is not because i want to look good but because in the freedom of movement i can hit a zone of unself-awareness and through that compleately luxuriate in the moment where most of my thoughts are stilled and there’s only the music and dance which is so interwoven as to become, from my perspective, one and the same.

Being conscious of being noticeable gets in the way of me reaching this zone. And there were times at this earthcore when that got so difficult that a part of me now cant help but mourn a little the loss of that earlier innocence that comes from anonymity. (even if I do like the attention too)

searching for responsibilities

November 29, 2006 at 5:47 pm | In journal | No Comments

riding in to work the other day after a particularly stressful week, it struck me that the only reason why i am still doing this is because i have a mortgage to feed and the only reason why i have a mortgage in the first place is because i wanted to make a home with my partner at that time.

the chain of cause and effect became quite clear:

now that i do not have a partner, i do not need a mortgage.

now that i do not need a mortgage, i do not need to earn as much.

now that i do not need to earn as much, i do not need to keep doing this rather stressy job.

now that i do not need to keep doing this job, i could do something that i really want to do instead.

at that point, my mind stuttered.

i do not really know what i really want to do instead.

dance floor meditations

November 29, 2006 at 5:31 pm | In meditation | No Comments

i finally got myself a pair of sunglasses at earthcore that fit over my specs. i think it looks cool but the main reason why i bought it because i get to shut my eyes while dancing and not feel to self-conscious about appearing too much like a blissed-out hippy.

Shutting my eyes while on the dancefloor means that i get to meditate.

There are times when i achieve a meditative state that is not so different from when I’m doing sitting meditation. it’s more active of course and not quite as peaceful but the process of observation is still very similar. With my body doing its own thing to the beat, my mind is liberated (to an extent) to contemplate its own processes.

Occasionally,  little epiphanies appear and on Saturday night, I thought (or rather some thoughts arose) about happiness and sadness, pleasure and pain, how we swing from on to the other, how we are constantly seeking one and fearing the other. I wondered what the average was for myself, if it rested on the generally happy side or not.  I also thought about the effects of meditation (especially Buddhist meditation) and how it smooths out the lows and the highs. I wondered what the average was for when i meditated regularly and if it was higher than now, when I’m not meditating regularly.

I came to no conclusion. When the lines are smoothed, something else emerges and my memory of that state has blurred.

the final earthcore and other goodbyes

November 28, 2006 at 5:51 pm | In Parties, journal | 1 Comment

this is the last ever earthcore, spiro the owner and main organiser of the event, said tearfully into the mic on sunday on the main stage. The council is making it too hard for us, he said but as I looked around at the crowd comparing it to last year, it seemed more likely to me that it was because people have stopped coming. This year’s earthcore was considerably smaller than last year’s and last year was already said to have been half the size of the one previous to it. This year’s rainbow serpent, always earthcore’s smaller (and nicer) version had much better attendance.

Still i liked this year’s earthcore. I felt more comfortable there and the crowd seemed much friendlier. There was an almost complete absence of suburban nightclubber types, the ones that tend to get drunk or take too much of the wrong kind of drugs and wander around in packs hassling every female they find. the ones that are often seen in king street in the city.

One of the lesser guarded secrets of Earthcore is that while the music officially stops on Sunday at around 3pm, it starts up again at 8pm and continues for the rest of Sunday night. This year was no different except that for most of the night, instead of one stage playing, three stages reopened. Sunday night is often the best night because only the old-timers stay on, the ones who’ve paced themselves, the ones who understand that bush parties are not about taking all your drugs in one go and collapsing the next day. At last year’s earthcore the difference in atmosphere between Sat and Sun nights was stark. This year there was hardly any difference. People were more tired of course but the music went on and they danced and chatted.

I didnt stay up Sunday night. I felt no need for it and I was tired anyway from the night before. Instead, I dragged my swag to the river bank and slept under the stars, watching a thin crescent moon rise up over the trees and turn the river silver. The music was muted and comforting and in the morning I woke to silence. A part of me regretted that i would not be able to do that again in this particular type of party but mainly i felt that its time was over and that ending up as a much smaller gathering of the kind of people who were there in the first place was fitting.

My ex was already preparing to leave when I got back to the camp. The weekend between us had started off cautiously on my part, uncomfortably on her part. But by Saturday we’d both relaxed into a distant friendliness.

i’m never coming back again, she said as she packed up. She’d not enjoyed earthcore much. Over the three nights, I’d not seen her much on the dancefloor at all or anywhere much else for that matter. The music had not been to her taste

It’s not going to happen again, this is the last one, I pointed out. But she’d been there at spiro’s final speech and i guess it wasnt just earthcore she was referring to.

dreams dont have to stand for something

November 21, 2006 at 7:52 pm | In journal | 1 Comment

the other night, i dreamt that i was looking after two children. one was four and the other six. they could have been mine. i certainly felt enough affection for them. i was telling off the older child because she had upset her younger sibling for no apparent reason.
“why did you do that?” i asked, “you wouldn’t like it if you were playing quietly and someone came and hassled you, would you?”
she shook her head tearfully. i was holding both of them. the younger one had stopped crying but the older one was clinging hard. i felt a huge surge of love for both of them.
at that point, i woke and thought about how banal that dream had been, how that little bit of conflict would be carried out many times in any parent’s week. i thought about how easy and natural it had felt to mind those children’s small worlds and how confident i was in that dream about my ability to look after them and to make the right decisions. most of all, i thought about how good it had felt to be holding them and to be held.

G20: clowns, drag kings and dickheads

November 20, 2006 at 12:25 pm | In Parties, politics | No Comments

And no I don’t mean the delegates in the hyatt. Much against my better judgment, I found myself at the stop G20 protest on the front lines watching two dozen or so frustrated young people in the appropriately fashionable radical activist uniform of face covering scarfs and white overalls expressing their political beliefs by pelting the police with rubbish scavenged from a bin and plastic milk crates. With me were about fifty media representatives, a motley collection of some two hundred or more peaceful protestors and curious thrillseekers. The police held the line although the pack of jostling press occasionally threatened to break through.

Eventually the heat got the better of the kids and they went off to find a softer target in the form of an ANZ bank down the road. As far as I could tell the building got some graffiti and a bit of fertilizer.

Around that time, the stop G20 clowns emerged, juggled, capered and scampered their distaste of neo-liberalism. The police showed their true fascist colors by not smiling. But then few on the other side found the clowns funny either. It wasn’t until the drag kings marched to the frontline that things started to liven up.

I like drag kings. I like how they almost always end up looking like short tubby truck drivers. These had pulled together passable SWAT uniforms with ‘cop it sweet’ embroided along the left chest. So they looked like short tubby truckdrivers dressing up as the cop from the village people. The real cops showed their true fascist colors by not finding this amusing. The rest of us did however and everyone took photos.

Eventually the heat got the better of the clowns and the drag kings and they went off to sit in the shade somewhere. The cops, the media and assorted curious thrillseekers hung around to see what other ground breaking act of social defiance was in store.

We didn’t have to wait long.

The alternative G20 mob arrived. These guys were well organised and had a whole truck with decks and a sound system from which pounded some killer beats. They even had a short burlesque act involving a cop arresting president bush. The cop wore an improbably skimpy uniform and fishnets and hence was probably not a real cop although president bush looked authentically happy enough when she led him along the police line in cuffs.

The police showed their true fascist colors by not smiling although some of the younger guys checked her out quite thoroughly.

By then people had started to dance to those killer beats and seeing it was a nice day and all and i’d seen many of the faces there at trance parties, it started to feel like just another party.

PS:

Let me add something here about the behaviour of the poice. If you ever wanted to throw something nasty at a cop at will and without fear of reprisal, this was the day to do it. The few dickheads (aka the Arterial Block) in the generally peaceful crowd did so. The police had obviously been instructed to hold the line and not venture into the crowd to arrest protestors. At all times, they defended themselves if they were attacked but did not break the line to go after anybody. I’m not surprised to read that 30 of them were injured. In fact, for quite a while, the police came on without any protective gear - no helmets, shields or armour. It was only after a few of them got hurt by projectiles that a new line of protected police came to the front (see photo above). And even then, they made no sallies into the sparse crowd to arrest the dickheads. From my experience of the police’s behaviour and discipline on Saturday (up to 3pm after which i left) contrasting that to the behaviour of some of the protestors, any protestor who got hurt by them probably deserved it.

earthcore approaches

November 18, 2006 at 9:39 am | In Parties, journal, personal history | No Comments

last year, earthcore marked the beginning of the end of my relationship. although not clear at that time, it revealed that no matter how much I tried to bridge the gap, our lifes were taking very different direction s and ultimately neither of us would or could choose to turn back.

earthcore also marks the start of my trajectory into the outdoor trance party scene. three consecutive tabs of acid , twenty four hours of dance music, an already heightened emotional state opened up the music and formed lasting associations that can still return now in its full intensity in similar environments even though I have not taken any psychedelics since.

it is one of the ironies of my ex-relationship that one of the main problems between us was my ex’s devotion to the trance scene and now one year on, we’ll be camping together with our friends at earthcore. long festivals like earthcore are intense experiences. even without drugs (which I will keep away from), the heat, exhaustion, constant insistent drumbeats and dance tend to breakdown internal barriers. I am not even sure we are friends yet much less ready to do this but we have never done things the easy way.

meditating for G20

November 17, 2006 at 1:27 pm | In journal, meditation | No Comments

Or rather against G20 although I couldn’t quite work out how meditation would do that. But the chap sitting on the sidewalk handing out leaflets about a peaceful alternative to the angry stop G20 crowd seemed pretty convinced of the technique’s efficacy. It was a pretty cold evening to be out and I admired the strength of his convictions.

Actually, i’d seen him at confest before. He was one of the guys who never seemed to have a stitch of clothing on for the entire 5 days and nights. He was clothed this time of course if barefooted. I spoke to him for a bit but it wasnt far down the usual preamble that he asked me one of those annoying hippie questions that pose at being deep.

“What’s making you happy these days?” he said with the utmost interest and sincerity.

I refrained from wincing and to prevent myself from saying “nothing”, I pulled out a response along the same lines.

“Does it have to be something?” I asked, putting on my best wise sage aspect.

To which he murmured something about the importance of being aware but I could tell I’d thrown him and he started sizing me up as a potential rival wise-man. I prepared for the next deep question, probably something about sparrows, forests, lakes and the unblemished mirror of consciousness. But a derelict drunk came stumbling by and wanted to know in great detail what the fuckin G20 was.

So i was saved.

getting older

November 15, 2006 at 4:41 pm | In birthday, journal | No Comments

I had my birthday not long ago and as usual assembled friends old and new, those that were in town anyway, at the northcote social club for its tuesday pot and parma night. by chance or at least i’d like to think so anyway, those who could make it were either hippie women or gay men; a fact not lost to my friends who found it amusing. for the record, I do have straight male friends - they just happened to be overseas or late.

anyway, every year I am quite touched that people actually turn up. This year it was especially true. The breakup had shaken my confidence in myself in many things and that included the strength of my other relationships. The question as to how much our shared friends were actually my ex’s friends and not so much mine had been present in my mind. How much would they actually like me now that I’m not with her? I would like to say that the question is resolved now, but it isnt and while I realise that is neither rational or fair, elements of doubt and uncertainty are still there. and are likely to linger for a long time.

Still, the gathering I had at the NSC did help and I even made a short speech. the feeling had come to me at the start of the evening before I’d had many drinks that i wanted to say something. so a little later when most people had arrived and were waiting for their parmas, i stood up and not really knowing what i was going to say, said something along the lines of how people dont often get a chance to say how important their friends are to them and that seeing as it was my birthday and most everyone was there, i wanted to thank them for being in my life and especially for being there for me through a very difficult year, probably one of the more difficult years i’ve had to go through and that their presence and support had indeed made it easier for me.

I’d never done anything like that before, been quite so public about how i felt in person (my blog is different obviously) and i felt happy and lightened afterwards. I felt like i’d told a very simple truth and one which should be shared more often. That my friends are important to me, that without them I would probably be a lesser person, certainly an unhappier one.

Anyway, I drank way too much beer after all of that. But I had a good time and it was in its own way, one of my more memorable birthdays.

when funny isnt funny enough

November 10, 2006 at 12:23 pm | In asian | 22 Comments

I’ve been to BDSM clubs where people have pushed nails and needles through skin and other more private parts, where whips and flogs are commonplace and candlewax is merely prosaic. Generally, people watching tend to be respectfully silent. Those not interested would mill around the bar as one does. It’s rare for anyone to laugh. In fact, I’ve never seen anyone in BDSM circles find the spectacle of people in self-inflicted pain funny.

Last night, I saw a woman violently lacerate herself and expose terrible wounds and old unhealed scars to an audience that was pretty much convulsed with laughter. It was ok because she was a comedian. Her name is Janelle Koenig (http://www.janellekoenig.com) and it was ok because the damage she was doing and showing was all on the emotional level.

She was eurasian, born here to an Australian mother and a Singaporean father.

I’d never seen that level of self-hatred on gender, racial and body dimensions so nakedly exposed before. Unlike many in the audience (but by no means the majority), I did not find her performance funny. I found it horrifying. I was never sure at any point how conscious she was that most of her act, from my point of view, was an extended and poorly disguised plea to be accepted and healed for/of her gender, race and sexuality issues combined equally with a desire to be jeered at, laughed at and hence confirm and perpetuate those very wounds.

I wont go into the gender and sexuality portions as it was the race bits that interested me most. At one point, she was talking about her father and quoting him, she put on a credible singaporean accent. I cant quite remember how it goes exactly but it pretty much went like this:

“why are there so many coloured people in australia these days, la?”

“dad, you cant call them coloured people.”

“i’ll call them niggers then.”
“ah, what does he know anyway, ching chong chinaman. he should just go back to where he belongs. The gold rush is over old man. You know, my dad finds me funny. he’s seen my act and he was laughing all the way through. Dont know why. He doesnt understand a single word.”

There was also a part of her act where she talked about being eurasian.

“i’m half and half. I get my height and my boobs from my australian side. I get my long glossy black hair and my lower parts from my dad’s side,” Adopting a thigh wide pelvic thrust stance and exaggerated asian accent, “Me love you vely good long time. Or fifteen minutes anyway.”

Anyway, writing it out now, it doesnt seem that bad but then, it’s all in the delivery and there was too much pain and self-hate in it for me to not recognise and finally pity.

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